wedding cakes for idiots

Catchy title, huh? No… I’m not calling you an idiot. Promise. Calling myself an idiot? Maybe…

You see, when my sister told me she was getting married, I was totally excited and said, “Ooo, I’ll make the cake!” Unknowingly, assigning myself up to one of the most daunting tasks of my kitchen life. I began with a picture she sent me. A simple 3 tiered white cake with a few roses…then it turned into a beach theme…with turtles and shells.

So I did what any other person about to endeavor on something new does: Google it.

“How to make a tiered cake?” Whoa. I needed supplies. Dowels. I needed eggs, lots and tons more sugar,shortening, flour and everything else that makes cakes…into wedding cakes. I spent 2 days on intricate little shells I handpainted..and another day rolling tiny fondant balls for pearls. And, another 3 days baking, and leveling, and filling and frosting. Finally, it was asembled and decorated. It stayed in our bedroom the night before the wedding. I got protective. Can you blame me?

these were made out of a 50/50 blend of fondant and gum-paste, and placed in a candy mold, then I painted them with a mixture of almond extract, coloring, and pearl dust.

As for the buttercream: NINE batches.

And the mess?

see all that powdered sugar? It was everywhere…. my house was permeated in a cloud of sugar dust all week.

it told you I’d show the mess. 🙂

Now let’s get to it:

Dowels. You stick em in the cake and then you have to mark them level with the cake, and cut them down to size. I ruined a knife doing this. Mental note: Keep a hacksaw in the kitchen.

It has a face…

Now, it was around this time when I smashed/lodged my finger in a wooden folding tray table.Thank goodness my MIL saved it. Can I tell you it’s still hurting?! I think it’s going to turn black and look real gross. I’m just glad it’s “the other” hand. You know, the one that my brain didn’t hire to do important tasks, like writing and cutting. It’s the assistant to my left hand.

Anyway… I also fell and got a nice skinned knee…how? Well, it was windy. I was wearing my new”ish” wedge platform sandals and carrying a case of beer and some bags in. I fell. I decided to make my knee a martyr for the beer. Hmmm… they outta do a beer commercial about me. Hurry up folks.. it’s healing quick.

so there’s cakes everywhere in my tiny-ass kitchen… there’s a heat wave and it’s 90 degrees outside, my finger is throbbing and my knee is busted, I have house guests and I’m about to go crazy…when…thankfully…

It’s time for the fun part. I loved this part…. I had no clue how or what I was going to do… and then, it just started to come together.

I was happy. I drank a beer. (see pic below)

now.. it took me another two hours of anally-nit-picking every inch of it… but, I was happy. And sane.

I know y’all want to see my hoochy mama dress and you’re going to be  amazed at how the bride and groom cut it…but, I’m still waiting on my mother in law to go through her 1,696 photos for that. She was the photographer.

I decided… I’d make the cake any ol day over that. My work is done. 🙂

I will have wedding highlights real soon…

I did this cake in 7 days, sure I could have done it in 2-3, BUT I have a life and kids and NO dishwasher. So, I broke it into segments.

Day one: make any/all decorations if there are fondant/gum paste ones desired

Day two: paint said decorations, if needed; make buttercream ( I did double batches)

Day three: Make bottom cake, cool, tort, fill and frost, insert dowels,Freeze

Day four: Make center tier, cool, tort, fill and frost, insert dowels

Day five : Make top tier, cool, tort, fill and frost ; thaw cake #1

Day six: Assemble and begin to decorate…(for the next 18-24 hours…)

Day seven: Step away from the cake! Stop being so nit picky. Deliver it and avoid all bumps, railroad tracks and lead footed drivers. Blast the a/c.  Hope there are no steep bridges. Hope that you don’t trip.

Leave the cake.

Relax until you have to go to the wedding and see it there and squawk like an angry goose at any small children that go within 3 feet of it. 🙂  Until it’s time for the bride and groom, of course.

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